Aganst my nature!

Nothing could be further from the truth when someone says to me "you were made for this" or "it's just your nature" or "what you are doing is so great, I could never....".  You see I am living so far outside my comfort zone, outside of how I was made, and definitely outside of my sin nature!  I was born a sinner.  I was born self centered, self consumed, and selfish!  There is no way around the fact that in sin I was NOT made for this!  But more than 25 years ago I gave my life to Christ.  I gave all of myself to Him who is above all things and who is in all things!  Colossians 1:16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 
You see He came into my life, and over the last two and a half decades He's been on a mission of changing my nature.  Changing my nature into His!  My  sin nature loves a clean house, and neat and tidy life, a life full of "me time" and a life full of date nights and personal interests.  A way of life that to my nature seems enticing and fulfilling.  If I had it my way my home would look like a Better Homes and Gardens magazine, and my bedroom would look like a Penterest pin up!  But I am not living life inside my sin nature, I am abiding inside of God's nature, where life does not look like me at all! 

 

6 years ago while pregnant with our fourth child I had a conversation with the Lord that went something like this.  "I'm finished Lord, really I'm finished.  I am about to have four children and that's all I can handle.  I really desire to do something other than raise children.  Something other with my life.  I have dreams, aspirations, and goals I'd like to achieve for myself.  Oh, and I don't plan to homeschool either because there is no way to pursue these things, or to decorate and keep my house the way I want, with kids home all the time.  So if it's good with you, and I'm sure it is, I'd like to be done"!  Well, you can see how far that conversation got me.  It got me three more children and a life full of homeschooling, laundry that never ends, meal times that run together to the point I feel I spend most of my day serving or cleaning up a meal, and a life that has absolutely no room for "me time"!  You see my nature is not to clean up after others all day.  It is not to hold, rock, change, disciple, read too, referee, discipline, bathe, teach, care for, and to love unconditionally!  It is a battle, a daily battle, sometimes an hour by hour battle to die to myself.  In my flesh I desire a different life, but in my Spirit I have made the decision to follow, to follow my savior to the cross.  I have been buried.  Colossians 2:12 "Having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through your faith in the working of God, who raised him from the dead".  All of me and all of my desires for life to look a certain "beautiful, designer, decorated, picture perfect way"!  All of it was buried and now I am raised to walk life, like my makers son walked life.  To love like he loved, not how I feel.  To serve like he served, not like Martha Stewart. To honor my Father with my life, like Jesus honored Him.  To live life in a way that reflects He lives in me.  That is not my nature, but His and His alone. 

 

So thank you for the complements.  But the next time you think I'm doing "great things".  Rest assured they are not the way I was made, but a reflection of God in my life!  John 15:5  "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing".  Without Him there is no way I would be raising 7 children, 3 from Ethiopia, and 2 from a really difficult background.  No that my friends is the work of an AMAZING, grace giving, merciful, loving God.  A God that has cared enough to wreck "MY" life, for His name sake! 

My husband thinks I should clarify as to my meaning of "nature", so in case you do as well...  We were created in the image of God Genesis 1:27  "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.  But I was born a sinner.   Psalms 51:1 "For I was born a sinner--yes, from the moment my mother conceived me".   But because of what Christ did on the cross I am now being made new, my sin nature is being changed.  2 Corinthians 5:17  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 

Praise the Lord!!!        

Faith, Risk and Truth

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen".... Hebrews 11:1

Faith is suppose to be terrifying!  Faith requires leaning into the fear.  Faith is believing and not seeing.  Faith always involves risk!  For weeks maybe even months as Nate and I prayed over adopting our two boys we asked, okay, even begged, for God to show us they were our boys!  We sought out others in our adoption circles to see if they new anything about the boys.  We read everything single peace of information our adoption agency had on the boys.  Some times we would here positive information about them, but never anything that would satisfy my hunger to know what kind of boys they really were.  I wanted to know would they love my kids, did they love the Lord, would the oldest love and mentor our oldest?  What kind of boys were they?  Aggressive and angry?  Mild and meek?  I wanted to know character stuff, not the stuff I was hearing, they like soccer and they speak some English!  Begging the Lord to give me just a glance, just a hint of who they were and what God was asking of me, us, to allow in our most intimate place, our home and our family.  He was silent, everyone was silent!  Until we said yes!!!  In faith and obedience as we sought His will, not just for our lives, but for orphans, we joined Him in what he was doing.  And to the world (and even me some days) thinks is CRAZY.  We said yes to disrupting birth order and to adopting not one but two older boys.  With great faith in trusting God is who He says He is, we said yes!  Without the writing on the wall or the sky, or anywhere for that matter, no matter how hard I prayed, we said yes!  He asked us to say yes without knowing the answers to so many of my questions!  And then.....

Two weeks after accepting their referral, and what felt like signing our lives away, God's sweet answers came pouring in!  Sweeter than I could have every imagined!  Here is what a precious little Ethiopian boy (who was adopted last summer and now living with his forever family) wrote to us through his mom about our oldest soon- to-be son!  I'll call him L and our older boy D and our little boy B for privacy reasons, until they are legally ours.    

   L wants you to know he has been praying evvveryday for D and B.  L says to trust God because you're gonna make it. He is telling me that D was one of his dearest friends in the whole world. D is as much of brother as L has ever had. He is encouraging you and your husband that they are amaing boys.      

He says D likes candy! He loves music! He is a good guy. When I asked "Does he love God?" He replied "Oooohhhh yeah. He is a pastor. He knows God heart." L is telling me how happy he is to know YOU are the family to choose these boys. He just keeps smiling about B. He says he knows D better, but that B is such a good boy.

I asked L "Why were you and D such good friends? What was your favorite thing about him?" He said "Because he help me with everything, with life. He is little bit older than me so he would stop me from fighting and getting sad when I didn't have a family. We tell each other evvvverrrything! He is my brother. I love him" Let me say once more, L IS ESTATIC. He truly has been praying for your boys since the second he left Ethiopia. I remember my daughter telling me about a time when he described his relationship with his 'brothers' in ET. He felt an intense amount of grief leaving them and he felt all he could do was pray they would be taken care of. We had no answers to his questions of why he got to come here but his brothers were left in the orphanage. And as far as we know D and B are the first ones to find families since L left. This is such good news for our family!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???  All of my questions answered trough the mouth of a child!  The oldest Loves the Lord!  He was a mentor to a younger boy!  He is kind and keeps others from fighting and encourages them in their pain!!!!  L prayed for them!  He cried out to God that his friends, his "brothers", would find a family!  Our good amazing God heard and answered a little boys cries!  The Holy Spirit spoke to us and through the fear we said yes that we would have FAITH!  I ask God to give me just a glimpse of who my sons would be!  God is so good to answer the prayers of His people!  John 14:14 "Ask me anything in my name and I will do it".   And James 1:6 writes when asking for wisdom, "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting..."!  Amen!  God answers prayers!!!  

So lean into the Fear!  Trust the terrifying!  Believe what you can not see!  For God is good and He is true to His word!!!  Have FAITH!!!

James 1:17-18  Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. ¹⁸ Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

 D is kind and loving!  B is a good boy!

                Our first family photo!!!  The boys seeing their crazy family for the first time!

Lead me to the cross

Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss, Lord lead me to the cross. 

 A few Sundays ago we sang one of my favorite songs, Lead me to the Cross by Hillsong.  But this time I struggled to sing my favorite line.   Everything I once held dear I count it all as loss...  The one thing I hold the dearest is my family.  So much so that I choose to homeschool my kids and spend almost 100% of my time investing in their lives!  So how could I count them as loss?  The journey God has been leading me (and my family) on is one of surrender.  Surrendering everything that I hold dear at the foot of the cross.  One way God has chosen to ask us to surrender our family is through adoption.  But you already know the beautiful outcome of our first adoption!  Bemmy!!!! God was so faithful in our journey to her!   One of the most painful things He used her adoption for was to uncover the hidden sin places in my life and redeem them for good!  I'm sure you have already figured out where this is going next!   WE ARE ADOPTING AGAIN!!!!  Not a little "cute baby", but two grown boys!  Surrender is painful, and terrifying!  But when the God of the universe calls, you trust and obey!!!!  I am in the beginning process of understanding what it means to really surrender.  I am wrestling, and many days I am struggling, but I am surrendering!  I am surrendering what I once thought I wanted my family to look like, how I wanted my kids to behave, how I would choose to spend my time, and ultimately what I wanted for my family and my life!  Do I really trust Him the way I sing a worship song?  Do I really believe what I proclaim him to be?   Yes!!!!!  And so I surrender my family!!!!!!!    

 

 Now you've heard the struggle, but now let me tell you about our new boys!  One is 14ish (you can pick up your jaw), and one is 8ish.  The little one we are told is very small because of malnutrition.  We pray to fix that problem with a good old American diet!  We are very excited to see them for the first time, hopefully this summer when we go to Ethiopia for a court date to become their legal parents.  They will then become Cloars!  Isn't adoption a beautiful thing????  One day we are lost without hope or a home, and the next day the God of the universe can choose us and we can become adopted into a family forever and spend eternity with Him in worship!!!!  Amazing!  These boys are no longer hopeless or helpless!  The God of the universe chose them!  He first had to break Nate and I of our pride and our desires.  My life was bought with the price of Jesus's blood, therefore I have no other option than to join Him in His purposes to redeem and restore!  It doesn't get any better than that!  How silly does my struggle to surrender become, when the Holy Spirit reveals truth like that?   

This is my offering to the Lord!

 This one is real life!!!!

 So that's that!  My Journey to Surrender!!!!